Thought Leader: "Seriously, just give up."
Admits "Even I can't polish this turd of a job market."
Self-described Workforce Futurist and Extreme Employment Shaman Cameron “Cam” Zyloprim, in a sobering repudiation of all he espouses to his dozens-strong “CAM DO ARMY” of thenotworker followers, has formally accepted that the current job market is “a total cluster. Don’t even bother. Better to sell your blood. Recycle White Claw empties. Barter beaver pelts.”
As jobless figures tromp upwards due to the fraught combination of economic uncertainty, political upheaval, and technology-fueled displacement, Zyloprim admits that “one of my slapping memes just won’t help you get past the 900 other applicants for Assistant Growth Marketing Coodinator at Steak n’ Shake corporate.”
The Pacoima, CA-based CYO (“Chief YOUployment Officer”) admits that his unfailingly optimistic exhortations to those out of work are “jargon-engorged word burritos” which are “obvs delulu to any person with an IQ higher than their body temperature.”
Gavin Candelabra, the Rodgers Or Hammerstein (But Not Both) Professor of Organizational Behavior at Carnegie Mellon University’s Tepper School of Business concurs. Dr. Candelabra cites Zyloprim’s recent blog post, “Optimize Cutting-Edge Solution Transformation To Facilitate Seamless ROI Innovation And GET THAT BAG!” as merely one example of the “synapse-corroding, pixel-wasting drivel” which he assures “no way, no how will make any difference to your resume, cover letter, or interview. If you even get that far. Which you won’t.” Concedes Zyloprim, “Guilty, bruh.”
Even Zyloprim’s trove of effusive TikToks -- for instance, “Spank That App(lication),” “Ain’t No ‘AI’ In ‘Team’ … But There Is In ‘Ain’t,’ (Think About It)” and the viral-adjacent “10 Sure-Fire Tips To Make The Applicant Tracking System SCREAM YOUR NAME” -- offer little succor to the masses seeking their next paycheck. “Game over, man. Game over,” laments Zyloprim. “I really thought that Entrepreneurship and Demagoguery double major was my ticket.”
All media inquiries should be directed to his parents’ house, where Zyloprim has recently reclaimed his childhood bedroom-turned-exercise-nook.