Thought Leader Kicks Off New Year With Painfully Obvious Forecast

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Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

PACOIMA, CA - Noted TechnoShaman Cameron “Cam” Zyloprim has shared his eagerly awaited prediction for 2026:

“AI will be ‘Artificial’ AND ‘Intelligent.‘
You’re welcome.“

From his newly opened headquarters in the rear booth of Pacoima’s own Lame Coffee Pun Café, Zyloprim continued, “As we enter the decade’s second half, AI will make ARTIFICIAL stuff that’s really not real and INTELLIGENT stuff that’s really smart.” Pausing for effect, he sagely intoned, “Artificial AND intelligent,” then mimed dropping an imaginary microphone.

As members of his “CAM DO Army” snapped their fingers in approval, they murmured about how “like, deep” the CyberSeer’s mind was, adding “this is so worth his $15,000 initiation fee.” Running fingers through his gel-heightened hair, Zyloprim basked in his acolytes’ reverence as he adjusted his wide-framed designer spectacles that, he asserted, “make me look like a total brainiac.”

The moment of wonder and awe was cut short, however, as the group was sternly “shushed” by the weekly gathering of Pacoima’s “Council of Old Fogeys, Duffers, and Cranks” in the adjoining booth. Cradling his coffee regular, Council Treasurer “Stormin’ Norman” Claymore muttered, “We sure as Shinola didn’t need no AI to take Utah Beach on June 6, you snowflakes.” CAM DO Army members used their iPhones to confirm that Utah Beach was, contrary to their initial belief, not a new nightclub.

Zyloprim expanded on his annual pronouncement: “When you think AI, you need to think, ‘What would AI think?’ Think about it.” Overcome with amazement, a visiting correspondent from McKinsey’s Journal Of Trending Trends fainted but was caught mid-swoon by a production assistant from CNBC’s live coverage camera crew. The rest of the eFuturist’s lengthy 2026 forecast referenced “large language models,” “machine learning,” “natural language processing” and, for some reason, “sous vide.”

As Zyloprim closed out his tab with an unimpressed barista, he made sure to tease his upcoming volume which he promises will “reimagine the very foundations of market capitalism”: a self-published pamphlet entitled “Buy Low. Sell High.”

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