Private Equity Restructures Petcare Chain, Installs Housecat As CEO
Executive washroom remodel includes opulent litter box/bidet combo.
Following the latest upheaval in the retail space, prominent investment management fund The Chthonic Group announced its reorganization of Pet Sounds N’ Sights N’ Smells, appointing American shorthair His Lordship Aloysius Fluffykins “to lead the company into the 21st century, or the 22nd century in pussycat years.”
Chthonic Chief Investment Officer Sherwin Glockenspiel gushed that “Fluffykins is precisely the leader Pet SN’SN’S needs: he knows the market and understands the customer journey. Other than marginally higher company-funded health insurance premiums for his additional 8 lives, we save millions on salary, bonus, and stock grants by compensating him with his favorite num-num fishy snacky treats.” Sitting atop his favorite fuzzy blanket on the podium, the newly installed Chief Executive did not take questions as he groomed his genitals.
Despite the optimistic future Glockenspiel trumpeted, the retailer’s C-suite executives were circumspect. “During the vetting process,” confided General Counsel and Board Secretary Ophelia Snood, “We uncovered some, let’s call them ‘unsavory’ revelations regarding catnip. Fluffykins assured us that was all in his past.” A skeptical Snood continued, “We’ll see, Mister ‘30 Kitties Under 30’ finalist. We’ll see.”
Chief Communications Officer Bethany Colic also expressed skepticism: “Yes, yes, he has an impressive track record catching mice, but his management style is challenging. After I presented my 2026 MarComm proposal, he just stared at me without blinking for three straight minutes. Was that approval? Disappointment? Trust? Boredom? And when he jumped off the table and did zoomies around the conference room,” she sighed, “no idea what THAT was about. Clearly time to polish my resumé.”
The press kit circulated by firm’s public relations team highlighted Fluffykins’ initiatives that will “immediately put his paw print on the company”:
All full-time and contract staff will block out no less than 4 hours each day in their Outlook calendars for “Nap.”
Annual bonuses will be replaced by belly rubs, the duration and intensity of which will be tied to pre-determined Key Performance Indicators.
All dogs will be thanked for their service and “managed out.” Even the “good, good boys.”
In keeping with regulatory requirements, Pet Sounds N’ Sights N’ Smells has filed SEC Form 8-K to record the corporation’s change in management as well as His Lordship Aloysius Fluffykins’s alternate names:
a/k/a Apocalypse Meow
a/k/a Purrince Hairy
a/k/a Ludwig Van Murderbeast
a/k/a Clayton Whiskershaw
a/k/a Meownty Python and the Holy Tail
a/k/a Belly Rubert Downey, Jr.
a/k/a I Am Become Death, The Destroyer of Birds
a/k/a Dr. Anthony Meowchi
a/k/a Mighty Purrcules
a/k/a Meowdy Doody
a/k/a Furris Mewler
a/k/a Paw & Order: Special Felines Unit
a/k/a Admiral Batten Down The Scratches
a/k/a Meow Jones Industrial
a/k/a Scratch Me If You Can
a/k/a Claw & Order: Organized Crime
a/k/a Comedian Bill Furr
a/k/a Vlad the Impawler