Petrochemical Giant’s Division of Social Irresponsibility Posts Record Quarter
Office celebrates with cupcakes, “Club-A-Baby-Seal” booth
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, WY — Speaking before a buoyant town hall at the headquarters-slash-lair of Smiling Rainbow Totally Benign Energy Solution Friends — formerly Schicklgruber Oil & Carcinogens — Executive Vice President of Corporate Social Irresponsibility (CSI) Brayden “Buddy” Infarct announced his division “surpassed $34 billion in Q1 profits, thanks to the bad work of the very people in this room.” Standing atop the company’s famed mound of bison skulls, Infarct added, “That record high is as fiscally meaningful as it is morally indefensible. And we couldn’t be prouder.”
A sizzle reel directed by Roman Polanski highlighted CSI’s revenue-generating endeavors including…
$9 billion from the February countersuit victory against “the tree huggers from the World Affection Action Alliance (WAAA).” Special praise went to Smiling Rainbow General Counsel Missy Borgia who persuasively explained there was no way to conclusively prove the “‘light dusting’ of our military-grade toxic compounds” had anything to do with local children growing hair on their eyeballs. As Missy compellingly fulminated in her closing argument, “Kids get into all sorts of mischief, right? Right?!”
$3 billion from our enterprise-wide initiative, DEIS - Do Everything in the Interest of our Shareholders. Chief Investment Officer Morgana Corundum shared the program’s mission: “Once we look past settled case law, federal and state regulations, standards of decency, concern for our fellow humans, and ‘doing the right thing’ - whatever that is - the revenue-generating possibilities are endless. I will not be taking any questions.”
$5 billion, with potential for 12x over the 5 years, from the bountiful new source of light sweet crude off the coast of Outer Hamartia. Per Vice President of Special Government Operations [First Name Redacted] [Last Name Redacted], “We had been trying to get into that market for decades. Thanks to the recent, coincidental, and mostly bloodless coup against their pesky left-of-center parliamentary democracy, drilling can begin immediately. We look forward to a long and fruitful partnership with the junta of Most Fearsome Warlord-For-Life Ivan ‘Buddy’ Kranng.”
As the event concluded, employees were reminded to strew their Styrofoam plates and plastic straws anywhere they liked and to vote in their local elections for Chief Dog Catcher.