Office Wife Awarded $47 Million In Divorce From Office Husband
Landmark decision to impact work-based friendtuationships nationwide
CONEWANGO, NY - The Cattaraugus County Matrimonial Center of the New York State Supreme Court has ruled in favor of Office Wife Evelyn Au Poivre in her irreconcilable differences filing against her male counterpart, Heracles Sinjin-Smyth.
Cannon-balling Scrooge McDuck-like into the above-ground pool filled with the just-cashed settlement check from their just-bankrupted employer, Thetatron Integrated Logistics, Au Proivre revealed, “Heracles and I reached a point where there was nothing left. I mean, other than the 47 mill.”
Sinjin-Smyth reflected, “Yes, things did change. And that’s on me. Look, Evelyn was a spouse every desk jockey dreams of. She’d back me up when I’d say Q2 receivables wouldn’t cover expenditures. Or shoot me a raised eyebrow when Rhonda used ‘there’ instead of “their” in a deck. And we’d always, always talk about the latest cringey thing Gene from Purchasing said at the 11 AM stand-up.” Absent-mindedly peeling the label from an O’Doul’s he was nursing, Sinjin-Smyth wistfully recalled, “Yeah, Evelyn and I were committed life partners from 9-to-5 Tuesdays through Thursdays.”
As she clumsily attempted a backstroke in her bales of cash, Au Poivre shared, “I still don’t know what happened. I mean, during our honeymoon period, we’d pop down to Consigliere’s Coffees & Scones. Shoot the breeze about our workload, the new parking cards, if we’d return to office all five days. You know, the usual components of a strong Office Marriage.”
A review of Au Poivre’s deposition revealed where the couple’s paths may have diverged: “About three months ago, I detected a change. Heracles emailed ‘On a deadline for Mitch and Murray’ when I asked if he was going to the Arbor Day Potluck. Then, it was the ‘Watching my weight, so no more scones for me’ text. Excuse after excuse. From a guy who couldn’t wait to get out of his cubicle.”
Per the deposition transcript, she reached for a box of tissues and continued, “The last time we grabbed a meal, he just scrolled in silence on his Samsung Galaxy S25 … why do I even know his cell phone’s model number? … Anyway, not a peep from him. And this was after Gene from Purchasing blurted out ‘Let the girls in PR handle that.’ ‘The girls’?! To the female SVP of MarCom! I mean, if we couldn’t get a good long lunch out of that… I’m, I’m sorry …” Au Poivre’s attorney then asked for a 15-minute break “so his client could gather herself.”
In a follow-up several weeks after his initial interview, Sinjin-Smyth emailed, “People grow apart. It’s really no one’s fault. I wish Evelyn all the best.” Added Tallulah Sinjin-Smyth, his real-life wife, “Truth be told, I was glad he had a work pal. And,” she chuckled, “even more glad that he wasn’t shtupping her.”
Asked for further comment, Mr. Sinjin-Smyth directed all future inquiries to his assistant, Candi Von Thong, who he is shtupping.