Luckless Job-Seeker Insists His Personal Brand Is “Batman”
Claims only obstacle to $850K annual salary is “my arch-nemesis, The Penguin”
LEHIGH, PA - Two-plus years into a fruitless search for full-time employment, 48 year-old Rodney Fishblatt — or, per the Preferred Name field in his 650+ job applications, “Bruce Wayne” — continues to maintain that his personal brand is Gotham City’s Caped Crusader.
In an exclusive interview conducted in his “Batcave” subterranean center of operations, Fishblatt/Wayne elucidated, “Ever since my parents Thomas and Martha were ruthlessly murdered before my eyes when I was a boy, I have vowed to marshal my considerable abilities and resources not only to avenge them, but to drive revenue growth across multiple cross-functional enterprise verticals while optimizing conversion funnels and aligning creation of zero-defect deliverables.”
Fishblatt’s parents, Yetta and Maury, who are very much alive and in whose basement Rodney currently resides, refer to their son as “Bat-meshugenah,” blaming his lack of actual prospects on years of pointless professional development “drek.”
Rodney/Bruce concedes that he did immerse himself in a litany of career coaching conferences, training webinars, Meyers-Briggs analyses, and personality assessments. “And” he asserts, “all of them clearly indicate that I am The Dark Knight.” He then rang a small silver bell sitting atop his Craigslist-sourced SMÅGÖRA desk from IKEA, indicating that “Alfred will be down momentarily with some light refreshments.” Immediately from upstairs, his mother hollered, “Oy, for the last time, Rodney, I am NOT the maid!”
A senior recruiter at Crothers & Scatman Placement Services confirmed that Fishblatt/Wayne/Batman has been a candidate for several roles the firm represents: “Something about him made me think he was worth a chat. Maybe because his application listed ‘The Bat Signal’ as his preferred method of contact. And I thought using a Discord username was cutting-edge.”
Seasoned executive Philip “Biff” Philippoussis, with whom Fishblatt/Wayne/Batman interviewed last week for an Associate Program Manager position, shared his impression: “When I asked him to describe his collaboration style, he went on about something called ‘The Justice League.’ But then he said his salary requirements were zero because — and I’ll never forget this — ‘My compensation in the knowledge that Gotham’s streets are free from fear.’” Wide-eyed at this revelation, Philippoussis continued, “Given how nutso Finance has been about headcount, that sealed the deal. He can start just as soon as I follow up on his reference, some co-worker named ‘Robin, The Boy Wonder.’”
Fishblatt/Wayne/Batman has already asked for the first week in July off: “The Joker is planning something big for Independence Day. But not on my watch.”