Local Firm Celebrates Halloween - Downsizes, Burns Witches
"Terminations" both figurative and literal.
Andover Medical Supply hosted their 32nd Halloween Hootenanny, an eagerly anticipated highlight for employees and their families. The event is renowned for its remarkably creative departmental costume contests, waistline-busting candy buffets throughout the Danvers, MA, headquarters, and annual reduction-in-force/Most Sanctified Immolation of the Wretched Crones.
Chief Administrative Officer Sam Danforth hailed this year’s festivities as “the best yet. You see Accounts Receivable dressed as the KPop Demon Hunters? Amazing. Nearly overshadowed our sacred layoff pyre out back on the loading dock.”
Unlike companies which rely on projected P&L and organic attrition to tailor workforce scale, Andover has pioneered the “Whispered Accusation Followed By Mass Hysteria Right-Sizing Methodology.” This year’s “axing minus the axes” were instigated solely based on the word of Supply Chain Management Associate Abigail Putnam. According to the internal “#see-something-say-something” Slack channel, Putnam denounced her colleague Elizabeth Goody-Proctor for her “sub-optimal operations prioritization protocols” and “casting spells to charm and beguile Cute Jayden from Corporate Strategy with wicked thoughts of the flesh.”
In alarmingly rapid succession, Goody-Proctor’s lunch companions, car pool buddies and dentist (who works across town at a practice unaffiliated with Andover Medical Supply) were summarily rounded up, then thrown into makeshift stocks erected in the third floor employee break room. Their ultimate fate will be determined once Andover Medical’s Council of Most Just Elders convenes with HR and the Massachusetts Department of Unemployment Assistance and Necromancy.