Following words of heartfelt appreciation for “the talented team I had the pleasure to work alongside these past 11 years,” downsized Assistant Portfolio Manager Breville DeLonghi devoted the remainder of his lovely parting missive to his plan for blowing Balsa Wood Wealth Management’s headquarters to kingdom come at the stroke of 5:00 PM.
“In boxing up a decade’s-worth of treasured mementos — my record 14 Employee-of-the-Month certificates, amazing photos from my Christmas party karaoke performance of ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Light’ (shout out to Tanya in Growth Marketing for your stellar accompaniment!), and my cherished MVP trophy from the 2018 Tri-County Assistant Portfolio Managers Association Softball Tournament — I am reminded of Millicent from the Human Capital team’s parting words as I surrendered my ID: ‘It’s just business.’
Exactly.
So, know that the wanton destruction I will soon rain down upon my enemies is not in the least bit personal. Which reminds me: Whoever wants the mini fridge in my cubicle should grab it ASAP.”
DeLonghi continued: “All your kind support helped me blossom from a callow Junior Analyst who couldn’t find the Men’s room into a confident and respected comrade, one who both optimized client returns AND learned the finer points of plastic explosive placement to maximally undermine structural integrity.”
As panicked employees fled the nine-story office, Tri-County fire, police, and EMT personnel scanned his note for clues: “I look back wistfully on the many disregarded decks and spreadsheets I created, the countless errors of omission and commission I cleaned up for my incompetent, bi-polar supervisor Rodney (seriously man, do you build financial models using an abacus? LOL), and my forever-lost years of seeing Becca, Ashley, and Colton grow up while my wife fell into the loving arms of Marjorie from her book club.
Oh, where does the time go?
At least the solitude of innumerable late nights and weekends at the office gave me the opportunity to study all the schematics of HQ’s load-bearing walls.”
DeLonghi closed with a surprisingly chipper sign-off: “Hope to see everyone at my going-away Happy Hour at Doctor Feelgood’s Tavern. Don’t worry: It’s outside the blast radius. Cheers!”