Executive Compensation Committee Approves Articles of Surrender
Vote was unanimous, shocking exactly no one
Welcomed as a leading indicator that will herald a boon for C-suites occupants everywhere, the Executive Compensation Committee at InifinitiArts Global Media & Heavy Machinery (f/k/a Flaegelman & Minsky Parking Garages) today delivered their “unconditional capitulation to whatever the bosses’ pay demands are. Plus, let’s say, another $50 million. Each.”
According to the Memorandum of Utterly Justified Remuneration, the conglomerate’s Chief Executive, Operating, Financial, Marketing, Technology, Information, and Compliance Officers will each simply “name their price, no questions asked.” Platinum-plated rubber stamps have been fashioned to streamline the inevitable salary approvals. (Chief Empathy Officer Patsy Maginot was removed from the Memorandum after she blurted out some nonsense about “fairness.”)
Deriding the company as “obscenely over-leveraged, like, Caligula-level-obscene,” outraged corporate governance activists were quick to point out that this very same senior leadership team has presided over…
An 88% drop in the firm’s market capitalization since the 2025 tie-up of a once-healthy broadcast television network, an 80’s era cartridge video game company, a past-its-prime radio and billboard concern, its original parking lot business, and a respected industrial fertilizer operation
Elimination of 12,000+ positions that decimated centuries of institutional knowledge, including “Helpful Carl” in Tech Support, who was about to retire
Casting a documented serial killer for hit reality program “Who’s Coming to Babysit?”
Intense regulatory scrutiny of suspicious crypto-based wagering app UBettorUBet which, somehow, also knocked out power grids in Houston, Jakarta, and Amsterdam (and that “Helpful Carl” could have done something about)
Company spokesman Marshall Petain brushed off these concerns, noting “Shareholders expect leaders to be rewarded, amiright? Or do you just hate America?” When asked if he could offer any words of comfort for the thousands whose positions were eliminated, Petain quipped, “Guess you won’t be around to complain anymore about how much the boss is making, amiright?”
At close of business, the Executive Compensation Committee’s Sub-Committee On Executive Compensation Committee Compensation approved a $3 million bonus for each Executive Compensation Committee member.
“Guess you won’t be around to complain anymore about how much the boss is making, amiright?” 😭