Devoted Employee Detects Shift In Corporate Culture Following Flogging
Whip it. Whip it good.
BAR HARBOR, ME — At the conclusion of his annual performance review during which 39 flesh-splitting lashes were savagely yet meticulously administered to his back and buttocks since he merely “Met Expectations” in Workspace Tidiness, seasoned data analyst Alfred Plantagenet conceded that “there’s been a change in the vibe” at Advanced Aquadyne Logistics.
“I’ve been at AAL for must be 11-plus years now,” said Plantagenet, “and we’re like family: cupcake parties, book groups, the occasional kidney donation. But family can also let you down, like when I didn’t stack those binder clip boxes evenly on my desk. I’ll own that. But should they have gone straight to the cat-o’-nine tails instead of, say, a verbal warning first? You’d have to ask them.” Wincing in obvious agony, Plantagenet nonetheless continued chipperly, “Still, can’t wait to see everyone at the Fun In The Sun company picnic. I’ll just need to cover up. My welts are still healing.”
As she brandished her fearsome whip nicknamed “The Motivator,” latex bodysuit-clad Senior Manager of Personnel and Alternative Incentivization Catherine Wheele confirmed the office culture modifications. Pausing momentarily to flash a smile from her surgically sharpened cuspids, Wheele, a/k/a “Mistress Thrash,” explained: “AAL has implemented a new paradigm in team appraisal protocols to align with the enterprise-wide separation of The Unworthy from The Select.” Gesturing to the firm’s lobby, she continued, “As such, a hand-crafted medieval rack inspired by ‘The Duke of Exeter’s daughter’ in the Tower of London has replaced our foosball table. Additionally, morale-boosting thumbscrews will be available for checkout from Brenda at reception.” Added Plantagenet’s scarlet-hooded manager, Assistant Director of Data Analysis Melvin Steinberg (a/k/a “Master Lick”), “If my direct reports can’t take constructive corporal punishment, how can we expect to hit our KPI’s and become top 10 in the fluid pressure measurement device consultancy space?”
A group of Plantagenet’s fellow data analysts nodded vigorously in agreement with their supervisor, then returned to their cubicles. Their mute nodding was later explained as a result of their tongues being torn out during a recent team-building retreat at the local SnugNight Inn & Suites & Dungeon.