Defense Contractor Launches Incredibly Hostile Bid for Hollywood Studio
Casualty toll mounts in marketing & distribution, costume design, and commissary.
Citing “unprecedented global realignment of entertainment vulnerability vectors in the theatrical, direct-to-consumer, and amusement park fields of engagement,” dominant American weapons manufacturer Kraven Pacification Industries (KPI) today unveiled its $125 billion unsolicited takeover bid for media conglomerate Megalith/Amalgamated Sight&Sound (M/ASS).
Formed in 1913 as “Renowned Entertainment Players Moving Picture Corporation, Ltd.,” the Hollywood film/television/news/cable/streaming/theme park/video game/cruise/online gambling and sports book enterprise will be absorbed into Kraven’s vaunted KillLogical Command & Control Systems division.
Significant cost savings are expected as Kraven plans to “terminate inefficiencies and execute redundancies as it deploys extreme reductions in force” across M/ASS, which will relocate to KillLogical’s Alabama headquarters. Studio insiders have already raised significant concerns about the lack of organic matcha options in the greater Tuscaloosa area.
The landmark acquisition is the brainchild of Kraven’s longtime CEO, Rear Admiral (Ret.) Chester “Mad Dog” Manticore. In a press briefing from his executive suite bunker 2,300 feet below KPI’s Sierra Mountain headquarters, Manticore hailed the deal as “necessary to guarantee American content exceptionalism for the 21st century in the face of massive audiovisual threats from the Russkies and Chairman Mao.” When it was pointed out that Chinese Communist Party leader Mao Zedong has been dead for five decades, the decorated naval officer smirked, “Sure he has,” then tucked chewing tobacco deep into his jawline and noted how he’s “a big, big fan of those ‘Captain Chimp of the Coast Guard’ pictures the studio used to make. We gotta get them back in the pipeline.” Barring an outbreak of further hostilities in Eastern Europe, the Middle East, or the Golden Globes red carpet, the complex deal is expected to close within 18 months. Highlights will include:
The 24 hour M/ASS News Network will rebrand to “American Eagle Booyah!”
The beloved “Enchantress of the Oceans” cruise and entertainment ship will receive a submarine escort group capable of deploying tactical ballistic nuclear missiles that can level 85% of Eurasia.
AwesomeLand theme park will add the “Sergeant Stupendous’ Razor Wire Live Fire Obstacle Course” attraction, complete with fan-favorite character Ollie the Otter’s “Magical Medic and Transfusion Tent.”
Under-performing cable channels including “Ferrets Unlimited,” “She Murdered Everyone,” and “She Murdered Everyone: The Aftershow” will be replaced with round-the-clock feeds from House Armed Services Committee hearings.
Executive salaries in film, TV and streaming will inflate 27-fold to align with current defense contractor price gouging policy.
Rank-and-file M/ASS workers were significantly less sanguine. Said M/ASS Television Senior Manager of IT, Clementine Pamplemousse, “In the past eight years, we’ve been owned by a wireless network, a grocery store heir, a cosmetics holding company, and three Stanford bros whose app was basically ‘Uber for porn.’ Every person outside the studio gates is calling this ‘the end of a legendary studio.’ We call it Wednesday.”