Commemorating First Thanksgiving, Company Compensates Staff With Corn & Beads
Also seizes employees' land.
Capturing “the spirit of the Pilgrims’ friends of good cheer from the Wampanoag tribe,” local HVAC firm Standish Applied Thermal Systems today announced its “Thanksgiving Originalist Money” (TOM) initiative: all employees below the level of Vice President will be compensated through Q2 2026 using ancient grains-derived maize and wampum belts made of shiny, pretty beads.
Dressed in a modest black suit, breeches, and capotain-style Pilgrim hat, newly-designated Most Goodly Bestowment Elder Alden Bradford hailed the TOM program: “Huzzah! What better way to celebrate on the morrow our pre-colonial roots and generosity of the ‘People of the First Light’? We honor their traditions and, more importantly, their most hale currency, with authentic-adjacent beads produced at our Guangzhou factory and sustainability-adjacent corn. Also produced at our Guangzhou factory.”
Bradford admitted there have been “not unexpected misery that hath provoked distress” in the payroll department’s transition from direct deposit program to horseback delivery of modest burlap sacks filled with the revised salaries.
Bitterly squeezing a stress ball, Assistant Comptroller Priscilla Wilder grumbled, “While Alden is cosplaying ‘A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,’ I need to figure out how to withhold federal and state taxes. Is it by the kernel? The cob? This is insane.” The heating and cooling firm’s rank-and-file employees are similarly incensed: “What about my 401(k),” asked Engineering Manager Gus Mehta, “Last time I checked, S&P 500 index funds don’t accept tiny, polished shells.”
Staff are planning their own “authentic” response to the sudden change in their remuneration and livelihoods. While details are being finalized, a brief review of the “tomahawks_and_scalpings” Slack channel indicates some sort of interruption planned for the C-suite’s usual Monday morning meeting.