College Bowl Game Lands Sponsorship From Most Unholy Church of Lucifer
Replaces Auntie Beryl’s Snuggle Time Teddy Bear Emporium
A late entrant has emerged in the 2025 college football bowl calendar, as one of America’s pre-eminent Satanic religious organizations “hath consecrated an excruciatingly magnificent brand and marketing pact to herald the profane glory of Our Blasphemous Lord with both venue point-of-sale and halftime entertainment activations. Praise be His Immortal Wretched Majesty!”
Bucking previous bowl protocols, an unusual Midnight-Black-Mass-and-contract-signing ceremony was held in the Riviera Room at the Fort Lauderdale CozyComfy Inn & Suites. With archaic ink pens gripped in their cloven hooves, crimson-robed representatives of the Mephistophelean tabernacle affixed their signatures in putrefied goat’s blood to the naming rights parchment, followed by their attorney Roy Cohn.
After the signing, Bowl Steering Committee Chair Silas “Big Sonny” Beauregard gushed, “While we were sure sorry to lose the Auntie Beryl’s Snuggle folks, gotta say these devil-worshippers have been a right pleasure. Just had to give ‘em a lock of my hair and pledge unquestioning allegiance for time immemorial to Beelzebub. So whattaya say we get out there and play some football?” A part-man, part-wolf creature shrieked in agreement, waved jauntily colored pompoms in celebration of the pact, then disemboweled and gorged upon several roosters from the buffet spread.
Dubbed “The 666 Bowl Presented by The Prince of Darkness,” exciting new features are planned to ensure the holiday-season gridiron matchup is unique and memorable:
The team captain winning the coin toss will choose whether to kick off or receive, while the losing captain will be ritually sacrificed in his end zone.
Unlike prior years, when “Snookums Cuddleston, Your Best Bear Buddy” graced the 50-yard line logo, a pentagram encircled by the demon-stoked Inferno of Appalling Damnation will burn throughout the game, sure to guarantee riveting (albeit potentially homicidal) play-calling by both teams’ offensive coordinators.
The halftime show, “America’s Salute to Carnal Pleasures of the Flesh,” will present hordes of depraved incubi and succubi engaged in unspeakable acts of contortion-laden coitus with creatures of every species. There will also be a marching band.
All fans in attendance will be treated to a QR code for a free cheese quesadilla, thanks to a cross-promotion with El Guapo’s Authentic South of the Border Taco Factory. A special tagline — “Better to reign in Hell/than serve so-so jalapeño poppers” — was developed just for the event.
The matchup between Tupelo Bible University and Yeshiva of Flatbush Community College promises to be one for eternity.
"There will also be a marching band." Took me out.