COBRA Benefit Now Just Cobras
Lobbyists representing copperheads and cottonmouths demand hearings.
Employee Benefits Security Administration Undersecretary of Healthcare and Snake Handling Lancelot Constantine today announced a landmark update to the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act. “We are very pleased to share that, as of today, all medical care available through COBRA will be administered using honest-to-God real cobras.”
He continued, “Based on personal experience, I assure you this policy revision will be immensely beneficial fiscally and public health-wise.” Raising his voice to overcome the vocal disapproval from gathered physicians, whose roars of “You’re taking us back to the Dark Ages!”, Constatine bellowed, “Settle down, people! We can all agree the Dark Ages were a simpler time, right? And a snake’s much cheaper than a regimen of your fancy-schmancy gene therapy at the Mayo Clinic, right?”
Press conference observers noted that the Undersecretary’s hands and forearms were wrapped in blood-mottled gauze and bandages masking multiple puncture wounds associated with the Indian Spectacled Cobra. “Who needs antibiotics or so-called ‘modern medicine’?” asked the Undersecretary rhetorically before collapsing in a heap behind the podium.
Quickly rushing to stand atop Constantine’s grotesquely distended body and regain the room’s attention, Under-Undersecretary Prudence Offal directed attendees to just-printed pamphlets summarizing the new program, highlights of which include:
“All cobras are Made in the USA and thoroughly screened to ensure the highest degree of toxicity.”
“Reminder: Build your venom tolerance SLOWLY. Haste makes waste. And death.”
“Pediatricians will receive grants of baby cobra eggs for giftting to patients 10 and under.”
“No cobras were harmed in the clinical trial phase of the program, though scores of test humans were. Bravo to each and every one of these heroes.”
At its closing bell, the Chicago Mercantile & Reptile Exchange recorded a 1,273% increase in the value of mongoose futures.