Job Candidate From Harvard Makes It Abundantly Clear He Went To Harvard
“I attended university in Cambridge, Massachusetts” fools-slash-impresses no one.
As he advanced through successive interview rounds at Amalgamated Wastewater & Sewage Associates of Lubbock, TX, applicant Benetton “Ben” Chowder made certain every sentient being with whom he had even the slightest interaction was aware he graduated from Harvard University.
“Well, Harvard College, to be precise,” said Chowder, correcting beleaguered Recruitment Associate Chloe Rezdiffra. “I’m glad we met virtually,” sighed Rezdiffra. “We didn’t have a conference room large enough to accommodate his ego.”
Environmental Compliance Head Rex DuBois chuckled ruefully as he marveled at Chowder’s ability to mention his alma mater. “I asked, ‘Why should we hire you?’ Instead of sharing skills related to the role or previous work experience, he listed his SAT and ACT scores, cocked an eyebrow, then shot back ‘Why wouldn’t you pick me? After all, Harvard did.’ Gotta give the kid credit. He’s got a pair.”
Deftly deploying phrases including “As I told my pals in Hasty Pudding,” “Those ‘Crimson’ editors had an axe to grind,” and “Naturally, I turned down Princeton,” Chowder repeatedly noted he received a Bachelor of Arts in Folklore and Mythology to Amalgamated Wastewater staffers including:
Parking lot attendant Oswald Bungee - “Never seen someone put a ‘Harvard Alumni’ license plate frame on their rental car.”
Front desk receptionist Adelaide Vancouver - “Been here for 23 years. First time I had a visitor say their college, graduation year and GPA after their name.”
Maintenance technician Artemis Chumley - “This guy starts to spout off about ‘those heady days in Leverett House.’ Whatever, man. I’m just replacing a gasket in the break room.”
VP of Corporate Communications Tyrell Hammock, who used the urinal next to Chowder’s, revealed, “He insisted on showing me the Final Club tattoo he had in an, let’s go with, interesting place.”
And three Amalgamated employees who shared an elevator with Chowder asked to remain anonymous for fear he might invite them to “Saturday’s a capella jam in Dunster.”
Despite lacking any experience or qualifications in the field, Chowder was offered a salary of $845,000, plus bonus.
He immediately declined, stating, “That offer is an insult. Do they think I’m some sort of Yalie?”
Benneton Chowder is perfection.