AI Recruiter Accidentally Offers Hope
"Hope is the thing with feathers." Feathers don't pay the rent, pal.
In an embarrassing display of empathy, Pantagruel Consolidated Dynamics’ newly-deployed Virtual Interviewer – internal code name “Operation Merciless Valkyrie,” client-facing name “Bitsy” – inadvertently gave applicant Emma Higginbotham the ever-so-faintest encouragement she might have a snowball’s chance in Hell for a Customer Success Specialist role.
“It’s inexcusable,” said SVP of Personnel Evita Krasss. When I find out which of my ‘geniuses’ in Tech thought boosting confidence was a product requirement, heads will roll.” After whipping a mug containing the dregs of her morning’s Calming Chamomile and Lavender Chai Latte at her assistant’s head, Krasss added, “My team, either human or human-adjacent, is not, repeat, NOT in the business of getting candidates in the door. It’s about Keeping. Them. Out.” Krasss punctuated the last three words by stabbing her desk’s lacquered mahogany surface with a jewel-encrusted letter opener sporting a viper’s head.
Reached for comment after she received a generic rejection email, candidate Higginbotham expressed confusion: “I don’t get it. Bitsy and I had SUCH a nice talk. She literally said I was ‘a candidate’ for the position and that my application contained ‘college’ and ‘GPA’ as well as ‘experience with work.’ She was SO friendly and positive, I just let it go when she kept calling me ‘Thomas.’ I really thought the job was mine.”
Pantagruel’s VP of Technology and Product Agamemnon Rosenberg admitted that the highly complex AI programming will need to be rethought. Looking around surreptitiously, he added, “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but recruiting might be a function where people are actually better than machines.” He then made a “zip my mouth closed” gesture and nervously returned to typing on his laptop.
The retooling of Operation Merciless Valkyrie/Bitsy’s entire code base will be undertaken as soon as the AI re-enables employees’ ID badges so they can re-enter the building and turns down the thermostat from 130 degrees Fahrenheit.
Update: Agamemnon Rosenberg’s position was eliminated without severance immediately following the publication of this piece. He is currently reported missing.