BASKING RIDGE, NJ - Declaring “My colleagues’ well-being is of far greater import than adding that third runway to my private airport in Gstaad,” chief executive Croesus “Chip” Dubonnet today instructed the Executive Compensation Committee of healthcare giant The Femur Group to retract his stock grants and reduce his annual salary to align with the hourly wage of in-office barista Kayla Erasmus. Consequently, a planned layoff of 8,500 Femur Group employees was shelved and Therapy Kitten Friday was reinstated.

Dubonnet also terminated top-tier management consulting firm Bane & Venal, which had recommended a massive workforce reduction despite Femur Group’s 29 consecutive quarters of strong earnings growth. Citing Bane & Venal’s “value-added organizational redesign strategic action plan,” a chastened Dubonnet apologized “for ever allowing those rapacious, jargon-spewing charlatans to set foot inside our walls.” He will redirect Bane & Venal’s $79 million dollar advisory fee plus all proceeds from the corporate malpractice lawsuit against them to fully fund a childcare center and after-hours teen enrichment program “to help our hard-working parents.” Additionally, five Bane & Venal managing partners provisionally tapped to become Femur C-suite executives were instead tarred and feathered in the parking lot.

In a town hall to discuss Dubonnet’s announcement, every employee was thanked not with a T-shirt but rather $1,000 in cash. (Remote employees’ cash was individually hand-delivered inside boxes of warm, fresh-baked brownies.) At the all-hands, Femur senior management arrived on time, used plain English to honestly answer tough audience questions about the company’s direction and the possibility of future layoffs, then concluded with the proclamation of meaningful promotions for individual contributors who were truly deserving.

Dubonnet has promised a follow-up gathering which will cover company-paid gym memberships, full tuition reimbursements, a free gourmet cafeteria, and guaranteed 85% raises.

It is scheduled for one year from today.

BAR HARBOR, ME — At the conclusion of his annual performance review during which 39 flesh-splitting lashes were savagely yet meticulously administered to his back and buttocks since he merely “Met Expectations” in Workspace Tidiness, seasoned data analyst Alfred Plantagenet conceded that “there’s been a change in the vibe” at Advanced Aquadyne Logistics.

“I’ve been at AAL for must be 11-plus years now,” said Plantagenet, “and we’re like family: cupcake parties, book groups, the occasional kidney donation. But family can also let you down, like when I didn’t stack those binder clip boxes evenly on my desk. I’ll own that. But should they have gone straight to the cat-o’-nine tails instead of, say, a verbal warning first? You’d have to ask them.” Wincing in obvious agony, Plantagenet nonetheless continued chipperly, “Still, can’t wait to see everyone at the Fun In The Sun company picnic. I’ll just need to cover up. My welts are still healing.”

As she brandished her fearsome whip nicknamed “The Motivator,” latex bodysuit-clad Senior Manager of Personnel and Alternative Incentivization Catherine Wheele confirmed the office culture modifications. Pausing momentarily to flash a smile from her surgically sharpened cuspids, Wheele, a/k/a “Mistress Thrash,” explained: “AAL has implemented a new paradigm in team appraisal protocols to align with the enterprise-wide separation of The Unworthy from The Select.” Gesturing to the firm’s lobby, she continued, “As such, a hand-crafted medieval rack inspired by ‘The Duke of Exeter’s daughter’ in the Tower of London has replaced our foosball table. Additionally, morale-boosting thumbscrews will be available for checkout from Brenda at reception.” Added Plantagenet’s scarlet-hooded manager, Assistant Director of Data Analysis Melvin Steinberg (a/k/a “Master Lick”), “If my direct reports can’t take constructive corporal punishment, how can we expect to hit our KPI’s and become top 10 in the fluid pressure measurement device consultancy space?”

A group of Plantagenet’s fellow data analysts nodded vigorously in agreement with their supervisor, then returned to their cubicles. Their mute nodding was later explained as a result of their tongues being torn out during a recent team-building retreat at the local SnugNight Inn & Suites & Dungeon.

CONEWANGO, NY - The Cattaraugus County Matrimonial Center of the New York State Supreme Court has ruled in favor of Office Wife Evelyn Au Poivre in her irreconcilable differences filing against her male counterpart, Heracles Sinjin-Smyth.

Cannon-balling Scrooge McDuck-like into the above-ground pool filled with the just-cashed settlement check from their just-bankrupted employer, Thetatron Integrated Logistics, Au Proivre revealed, “Heracles and I reached a point where there was nothing left. I mean, other than the 47 mill.”

Sinjin-Smyth reflected, “Yes, things did change. And that’s on me. Look, Evelyn was a spouse every desk jockey dreams of. She’d back me up when I’d say Q2 receivables wouldn’t cover expenditures. Or shoot me a raised eyebrow when Rhonda used ‘there’ instead of “their” in a deck. And we’d always, always talk about the latest cringey thing Gene from Purchasing said at the 11 AM stand-up.” Absent-mindedly peeling the label from an O’Doul’s he was nursing, Sinjin-Smyth wistfully recalled, “Yeah, Evelyn and I were committed life partners from 9-to-5 Tuesdays through Thursdays.”

As she clumsily attempted a backstroke in her bales of cash, Au Poivre shared, “I still don’t know what happened. I mean, during our honeymoon period, we’d pop down to Consigliere’s Coffees & Scones. Shoot the breeze about our workload, the new parking cards, if we’d return to office all five days. You know, the usual components of a strong Office Marriage.”

A review of Au Poivre’s deposition revealed where the couple’s paths may have diverged: “About three months ago, I detected a change. Heracles emailed ‘On a deadline for Mitch and Murray’ when I asked if he was going to the Arbor Day Potluck. Then, it was the ‘Watching my weight, so no more scones for me’ text. Excuse after excuse. From a guy who couldn’t wait to get out of his cubicle.”

Per the deposition transcript, she reached for a box of tissues and continued, “The last time we grabbed a meal, he just scrolled in silence on his Samsung Galaxy S25 … why do I even know his cell phone’s model number? … Anyway, not a peep from him. And this was after Gene from Purchasing blurted out ‘Let the girls in PR handle that.’ ‘The girls’?! To the female SVP of MarCom! I mean, if we couldn’t get a good long lunch out of that… I’m, I’m sorry …” Au Poivre’s attorney then asked for a 15-minute break “so his client could gather herself.”

In a follow-up several weeks after his initial interview, Sinjin-Smyth emailed, “People grow apart. It’s really no one’s fault. I wish Evelyn all the best.” Added Tallulah Sinjin-Smyth, his real-life wife, “Truth be told, I was glad he had a work pal. And,” she chuckled, “even more glad that he wasn’t shtupping her.”

Asked for further comment, Mr. Sinjin-Smyth directed all future inquiries to his assistant, Candi Von Thong, who he is shtupping.

How ya doin’?

It’s Daylight Saving Time.

Ol’ Mister Spring Ahead. Circadian Rhythm’s Sauron. Notorious DST!

Back again like clockwork. (BOOM! Pun intended. You’re welcome.)

I gotta say, I’m disappointed in all a youse.

Every year with the bellyaching: “I miss my extra hour of sleep! Waaaaa!”

Boo-friggin’-hoo. I’ll give ya something to cry about. Like this, whiners: You’ll make up your precious Z’s that first week you’re dead.

Oh? Wait? What’s that?

The dirt nap puts things in perspective, don’t it? I thought so. You’re welcome.

Just accept me along with death, taxes, and more Final Destination sequels. Not really “final,” Hollywood. Just sayin’.

And Hawaii and most of Arizona? Youse can go your own way. I respect your stones.

Another thing: Lay off the farmers. DST ain’t on them. They’re hard-working Americans who make them clean vegan yuzu plant-based Benedict matcha protein bowls of yours possible.

If you got beef (or soyrizo, whatever the hell that is), it’s with me.

But like a wise guy once said, “Frankie, my dear, who gives a damn.”

Enjoy the sunshine, kids.

See ya March 14, 2027.

PACOIMA, CA - Noted TechnoShaman Cameron “Cam” Zyloprim has shared his eagerly awaited prediction for 2026:

From his newly opened headquarters in the rear booth of Pacoima’s own Lame Coffee Pun Café, Zyloprim continued, “As we enter the decade’s second half, AI will make ARTIFICIAL stuff that’s really not real and INTELLIGENT stuff that’s really smart.” Pausing for effect, he sagely intoned, “Artificial AND intelligent,” then mimed dropping an imaginary microphone.

As members of his “CAM DO Army” snapped their fingers in approval, they murmured about how “like, deep” the CyberSeer’s mind was, adding “this is so worth his $15,000 initiation fee.” Running fingers through his gel-heightened hair, Zyloprim basked in his acolytes’ reverence as he adjusted his wide-framed designer spectacles that, he asserted, “make me look like a total brainiac.”

The moment of wonder and awe was cut short, however, as the group was sternly “shushed” by the weekly gathering of Pacoima’s “Council of Old Fogeys, Duffers, and Cranks” in the adjoining booth. Cradling his coffee regular, Council Treasurer “Stormin’ Norman” Claymore muttered, “We sure as Shinola didn’t need no AI to take Utah Beach on June 6, you snowflakes.” CAM DO Army members used their iPhones to confirm that Utah Beach was, contrary to their initial belief, not a new nightclub.

Zyloprim expanded on his annual pronouncement: “When you think AI, you need to think, ‘What would AI think?’ Think about it.” Overcome with amazement, a visiting correspondent from McKinsey’s Journal Of Trending Trends fainted but was caught mid-swoon by a production assistant from CNBC’s live coverage camera crew. The rest of the eFuturist’s lengthy 2026 forecast referenced “large language models,” “machine learning,” “natural language processing” and, for some reason, “sous vide.”

As Zyloprim closed out his tab with an unimpressed barista, he made sure to tease his upcoming volume which he promises will “reimagine the very foundations of market capitalism”: a self-published pamphlet entitled “Buy Low. Sell High.”

Citing “unprecedented global realignment of entertainment vulnerability vectors in the theatrical, direct-to-consumer, and amusement park fields of engagement,” dominant American weapons manufacturer Kraven Pacification Industries (KPI) today unveiled its $125 billion unsolicited takeover bid for media conglomerate Megalith/Amalgamated Sight&Sound (M/ASS).

Formed in 1913 as “Renowned Entertainment Players Moving Picture Corporation, Ltd.,” the Hollywood film/television/news/cable/streaming/theme park/video game/cruise/online gambling and sports book enterprise will be absorbed into Kraven’s vaunted KillLogical Command & Control Systems division.

Significant cost savings are expected as Kraven plans to “terminate inefficiencies and execute redundancies as it deploys extreme reductions in force” across M/ASS, which will relocate to KillLogical’s Alabama headquarters. Studio insiders have already raised significant concerns about the lack of organic matcha options in the greater Tuscaloosa area.

The landmark acquisition is the brainchild of Kraven’s longtime CEO, Rear Admiral (Ret.) Chester “Mad Dog” Manticore. In a press briefing from his executive suite bunker 2,300 feet below KPI’s Sierra Mountain headquarters, Manticore hailed the deal as “necessary to guarantee American content exceptionalism for the 21st century in the face of massive audiovisual threats from the Russkies and Chairman Mao.” When it was pointed out that Chinese Communist Party leader Mao Zedong has been dead for five decades, the decorated naval officer smirked, “Sure he has,” then tucked chewing tobacco deep into his jawline and noted how he’s “a big, big fan of those ‘Captain Chimp of the Coast Guard’ pictures the studio used to make. We gotta get them back in the pipeline.” Barring an outbreak of further hostilities in Eastern Europe, the Middle East, or the Golden Globes red carpet, the complex deal is expected to close within 18 months. Highlights will include:

• The 24 hour M/ASS News Network will rebrand to “American Eagle Booyah!”

• The beloved “Enchantress of the Oceans” cruise and entertainment ship will receive a submarine escort group capable of deploying tactical ballistic nuclear missiles that can level 85% of Eurasia.

• AwesomeLand theme park will add the “Sergeant Stupendous’ Razor Wire Live Fire Obstacle Course” attraction, complete with fan-favorite character Ollie the Otter’s “Magical Medic and Transfusion Tent.”

• Under-performing cable channels including “Ferrets Unlimited,” “She Murdered Everyone,” and “She Murdered Everyone: The Aftershow” will be replaced with round-the-clock feeds from House Armed Services Committee hearings.

• Executive salaries in film, TV and streaming will inflate 27-fold to align with current defense contractor price gouging policy.

Rank-and-file M/ASS workers were significantly less sanguine. Said M/ASS Television Senior Manager of IT, Clementine Pamplemousse, “In the past eight years, we’ve been owned by a wireless network, a grocery store heir, a cosmetics holding company, and three Stanford bros whose app was basically ‘Uber for porn.’ Every person outside the studio gates is calling this ‘the end of a legendary studio.’ We call it Wednesday.”

A late entrant has emerged in the 2025 college football bowl calendar, as one of America’s pre-eminent Satanic religious organizations “hath consecrated an excruciatingly magnificent brand and marketing pact to herald the profane glory of Our Blasphemous Lord with both venue point-of-sale and halftime entertainment activations. Praise be His Immortal Wretched Majesty!”

Bucking previous bowl protocols, an unusual Midnight-Black-Mass-and-contract-signing ceremony was held in the Riviera Room at the Fort Lauderdale CozyComfy Inn & Suites. With archaic ink pens gripped in their cloven hooves, crimson-robed representatives of the Mephistophelean tabernacle affixed their signatures in putrefied goat’s blood to the naming rights parchment, followed by their attorney Roy Cohn.

After the signing, Bowl Steering Committee Chair Silas “Big Sonny” Beauregard gushed, “While we were sure sorry to lose the Auntie Beryl’s Snuggle folks, gotta say these devil-worshippers have been a right pleasure. Just had to give ‘em a lock of my hair and pledge unquestioning allegiance for time immemorial to Beelzebub. So whattaya say we get out there and play some football?” A part-man, part-wolf creature shrieked in agreement, waved jauntily colored pompoms in celebration of the pact, then disemboweled and gorged upon several roosters from the buffet spread.

Dubbed “The 666 Bowl Presented by The Prince of Darkness,” exciting new features are planned to ensure the holiday-season gridiron matchup is unique and memorable:

• The team captain winning the coin toss will choose whether to kick off or receive, while the losing captain will be ritually sacrificed in his end zone.

• Unlike prior years, when “Snookums Cuddleston, Your Best Bear Buddy” graced the 50-yard line logo, a pentagram encircled by the demon-stoked Inferno of Appalling Damnation will burn throughout the game, sure to guarantee riveting (albeit potentially homicidal) play-calling by both teams’ offensive coordinators.

• The halftime show, “America’s Salute to Carnal Pleasures of the Flesh,” will present hordes of depraved incubi and succubi engaged in unspeakable acts of contortion-laden coitus with creatures of every species. There will also be a marching band.

• All fans in attendance will be treated to a QR code for a free cheese quesadilla, thanks to a cross-promotion with El Guapo’s Authentic South of the Border Taco Factory. A special tagline — “Better to reign in Hell/than serve so-so jalapeño poppers” — was developed just for the event.

The matchup between Tupelo Bible University and Yeshiva of Flatbush Community College promises to be one for eternity.

Recently launched take-out delivery app YummyTummyNOW’s “Running of the Turkeys” Thanksgiving week activation came to an abrupt and horrifying conclusion in the previously idyllic downtown of Serenity Notch, VT.

Preliminary reports indicate that proper permits were never obtained by the months-old start-up. As such, previously planned (and permitted) holiday events collided figuratively and literally in a blood-slathered hail of feathers, viscera, and ear-piercing gobbling that one witness described as “What the soundtrack in Hell must be.”

In a prepared statement, YummyTummyNOW’s Chief Communications Officer, Colton Flomax (age 22), admitted “Yeah, mistakes were made, I guess. Like, maybe we should have checked with someone before we uncrated, like, 300 wild turkeys in the middle of town. I just gotta say, that was all Brayden’s idea. Like when we did it that time at the frat. Admittedly, that was only one turkey. In our defense, who plans a friggin’ 5K Leaf-Peepin’ Trot AND a classic car parade AND a motorcycle derby all on the same day on Main Street?”

Replied longtime Town Supervisor and avid motorcycle enthusiast Charles “Chuck” Dynasty, “Don’t put this on us, pinhead. Long as I’ve been running this burg, we’ve had a nice and orderly Thanksgiving week. Now I’m gonna have to blow the 2026 town budget on grief counseling for all the families, not to mention a dozen of my brothers in the Lords of Chaos MC.”

As hazmat suit-clad sanitation crews undertook the grim task of removing the “Guernica”-like tableau of gizzards and wattles, one townsperson happily joined them. Wielding a snow shovel and a large burlap sack, local roadkill forager and raw protein chef Clem Abernathy gathered carcasses with glee as he mumbled, “Papa’s gonna have some good, good eatin’ this Turkey Day, yessir.”

Following a mourning period lasting into mid-December, the next Serenity Notch town hall meeting will review plans for the Chanukah “Running of the Suckling Pigs.”

Capturing “the spirit of the Pilgrims’ friends of good cheer from the Wampanoag tribe,” local HVAC firm Standish Applied Thermal Systems today announced its “Thanksgiving Originalist Money” (TOM) initiative: all employees below the level of Vice President will be compensated through Q2 2026 using ancient grains-derived maize and wampum belts made of shiny, pretty beads.

Dressed in a modest black suit, breeches, and capotain-style Pilgrim hat, newly-designated Most Goodly Bestowment Elder Alden Bradford hailed the TOM program: “Huzzah! What better way to celebrate on the morrow our pre-colonial roots and generosity of the ‘People of the First Light’? We honor their traditions and, more importantly, their most hale currency, with authentic-adjacent beads produced at our Guangzhou factory and sustainability-adjacent corn. Also produced at our Guangzhou factory.”

Bradford admitted there have been “not unexpected misery that hath provoked distress” in the payroll department’s transition from direct deposit program to horseback delivery of modest burlap sacks filled with the revised salaries.

Bitterly squeezing a stress ball, Assistant Comptroller Priscilla Wilder grumbled, “While Alden is cosplaying ‘A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,’ I need to figure out how to withhold federal and state taxes. Is it by the kernel? The cob? This is insane.” The heating and cooling firm’s rank-and-file employees are similarly incensed: “What about my 401(k),” asked Engineering Manager Gus Mehta, “Last time I checked, S&P 500 index funds don’t accept tiny, polished shells.”

Staff are planning their own “authentic” response to the sudden change in their remuneration and livelihoods. While details are being finalized, a brief review of the “tomahawks_and_scalpings” Slack channel indicates some sort of interruption planned for the C-suite’s usual Monday morning meeting.