UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, WY — Speaking before a buoyant town hall at the headquarters-slash-lair of Smiling Rainbow Totally Benign Energy Solution Friends — formerly Schicklgruber Oil & Carcinogens — Executive Vice President of Corporate Social Irresponsibility (CSI) Brayden “Buddy” Infarct announced his division “surpassed $34 billion in Q1 profits, thanks to the bad work of the very people in this room.” Standing atop the company’s famed mound of bison skulls, Infarct added, “That record high is as fiscally meaningful as it is morally indefensible. And we couldn’t be prouder.”

A sizzle reel directed by Roman Polanski highlighted CSI’s revenue-generating endeavors including…

• $9 billion from the February countersuit victory against “the tree huggers from the World Affection Action Alliance (WAAA).” Special praise went to Smiling Rainbow General Counsel Missy Borgia who persuasively explained there was no way to conclusively prove the “‘light dusting’ of our military-grade toxic compounds” had anything to do with local children growing hair on their eyeballs. As Missy compellingly fulminated in her closing argument, “Kids get into all sorts of mischief, right? Right?!”

• $3 billion from our enterprise-wide initiative, DEIS - Do Everything in the Interest of our Shareholders. Chief Investment Officer Morgana Corundum shared the program’s mission: “Once we look past settled case law, federal and state regulations, standards of decency, concern for our fellow humans, and ‘doing the right thing’ - whatever that is - the revenue-generating possibilities are endless. I will not be taking any questions.”

• $5 billion, with potential for 12x over the 5 years, from the bountiful new source of light sweet crude off the coast of Outer Hamartia. Per Vice President of Special Government Operations [First Name Redacted] [Last Name Redacted], “We had been trying to get into that market for decades. Thanks to the recent, coincidental, and mostly bloodless coup against their pesky left-of-center parliamentary democracy, drilling can begin immediately. We look forward to a long and fruitful partnership with the junta of Most Fearsome Warlord-For-Life Ivan ‘Buddy’ Kranng.”

As the event concluded, employees were reminded to strew their Styrofoam plates and plastic straws anywhere they liked and to vote in their local elections for Chief Dog Catcher.

Citing its dizzying amalgam of inventive fabulism, swirling imagination, and bald-faced fabrication, the Pulitzer committee today awarded its Prize for Fiction to Hailee Rybelsus for her seminal work, “HaileeResume_FinalVersion_Revised_New_3.pdf.”

In its commendation, committee chair Iphigenia Rosenberg gushed, “This triumph of the fantastical woven into the everyday is reminiscent of a Borges or Murakami. When the author writes “Generated explosive month-over-month revenue growth for high-profile national enterprise” as allegory for selling Girl Scout cookies in Schleiderman’s Grocery’s parking lot 17 years back, she challenges the very notion of reality. Is she a ‘Seasoned Senior Regional Account Executive’ that Placentia Financial Services Group needs to hire immediately? Or a lazy second grader who let Brittani Mancuso and her mom do all the work with the Thin Mints? I do not know. And I could not help but be moved.”

Committee member and Booker Prize short-list candidate Evangeline LeBrontosaurus concurred: “Hailee Rybelsus gives us much to ponder deeply: As she elegantly composed, she ‘Spearheaded end-to-end deployment of enterprise-grade SaaS solutions for top-tier European Union member nations.’ What a stunning transformation of her semester abroad in Florence where she slept in, blew off her Renaissance sculpture lectures, snarfed Pappardelle al Cinghiale, and hooked up with a mid-fielder from the Croatian junior national team. The mystery is the medium is the message.”

Marveled Columbia Graduate School of Journalism visiting lecturer Ivor Grog, “Rybelsus lists ‘Expert-Level Skills in Python, Java, JavaScript, HTML, CSS, R, C++, SQL, Oracle, MySQL and IBM DB2,’ but she just pastes code into GitHub Copilot or sub-contracts for rupees on the dollar to Bengaluru! With all due respect, Philip Roth wished he had that sort of ingenuity.”

That evening, the Pulitzer Prize Board’s Gala highlighted the Breaking News Photography winner’s searing images which helped end internecine strife in sub-Saharan Africa, selections from the Music awardee’s politically-charged EDM opera that has “redefined the very concept of sound,” and Rybelsus, who handed out copies of her wide-margined, double-sided page to anyone within 25 yards of her cocktail table. The floor around it was strewn with these same copies.

When asked for a hint about her follow-up opus, Rybelsus smiled coyly and confided, “I’m workshopping a cover letter for a CEO gig. It will not disappoint.”

She then directed any further inquiries to her recently hired publicist, George Santos.

Welcomed as a leading indicator that will herald a boon for C-suites occupants everywhere, the Executive Compensation Committee at InifinitiArts Global Media & Heavy Machinery (f/k/a Flaegelman & Minsky Parking Garages) today delivered their “unconditional capitulation to whatever the bosses’ pay demands are. Plus, let’s say, another $50 million. Each.”

According to the Memorandum of Utterly Justified Remuneration, the conglomerate’s Chief Executive, Operating, Financial, Marketing, Technology, Information, and Compliance Officers will each simply “name their price, no questions asked.” Platinum-plated rubber stamps have been fashioned to streamline the inevitable salary approvals. (Chief Empathy Officer Patsy Maginot was removed from the Memorandum after she blurted out some nonsense about “fairness.”)

Deriding the company as “obscenely over-leveraged, like, Caligula-level-obscene,” outraged corporate governance activists were quick to point out that this very same senior leadership team has presided over…

• An 88% drop in the firm’s market capitalization since the 2025 tie-up of a once-healthy broadcast television network, an 80’s era cartridge video game company, a past-its-prime radio and billboard concern, its original parking lot business, and a respected industrial fertilizer operation

• Elimination of 12,000+ positions that decimated centuries of institutional knowledge, including “Helpful Carl” in Tech Support, who was about to retire

• Casting a documented serial killer for hit reality program “Who’s Coming to Babysit?”

• Intense regulatory scrutiny of suspicious crypto-based wagering app UBettorUBet which, somehow, also knocked out power grids in Houston, Jakarta, and Amsterdam (and that “Helpful Carl” could have done something about)

Company spokesman Marshall Petain brushed off these concerns, noting “Shareholders expect leaders to be rewarded, amiright? Or do you just hate America?” When asked if he could offer any words of comfort for the thousands whose positions were eliminated, Petain quipped, “Guess you won’t be around to complain anymore about how much the boss is making, amiright?”

At close of business, the Executive Compensation Committee’s Sub-Committee On Executive Compensation Committee Compensation approved a $3 million bonus for each Executive Compensation Committee member.

BASKING RIDGE, NJ - Declaring “My colleagues’ well-being is of far greater import than adding that third runway to my private airport in Gstaad,” chief executive Croesus “Chip” Dubonnet today instructed the Executive Compensation Committee of healthcare giant The Femur Group to retract his stock grants and reduce his annual salary to align with the hourly wage of in-office barista Kayla Erasmus. Consequently, a planned layoff of 8,500 Femur Group employees was shelved and Therapy Kitten Friday was reinstated.

Dubonnet also terminated top-tier management consulting firm Bane & Venal, which had recommended a massive workforce reduction despite Femur Group’s 29 consecutive quarters of strong earnings growth. Citing Bane & Venal’s “value-added organizational redesign strategic action plan,” a chastened Dubonnet apologized “for ever allowing those rapacious, jargon-spewing charlatans to set foot inside our walls.” He will redirect Bane & Venal’s $79 million dollar advisory fee plus all proceeds from the corporate malpractice lawsuit against them to fully fund a childcare center and after-hours teen enrichment program “to help our hard-working parents.” Additionally, five Bane & Venal managing partners provisionally tapped to become Femur C-suite executives were instead tarred and feathered in the parking lot.

In a town hall to discuss Dubonnet’s announcement, every employee was thanked not with a T-shirt but rather $1,000 in cash. (Remote employees’ cash was individually hand-delivered inside boxes of warm, fresh-baked brownies.) At the all-hands, Femur senior management arrived on time, used plain English to honestly answer tough audience questions about the company’s direction and the possibility of future layoffs, then concluded with the proclamation of meaningful promotions for individual contributors who were truly deserving.

Dubonnet has promised a follow-up gathering which will cover company-paid gym memberships, full tuition reimbursements, a free gourmet cafeteria, and guaranteed 85% raises.

It is scheduled for one year from today.

BAR HARBOR, ME — At the conclusion of his annual performance review during which 39 flesh-splitting lashes were savagely yet meticulously administered to his back and buttocks since he merely “Met Expectations” in Workspace Tidiness, seasoned data analyst Alfred Plantagenet conceded that “there’s been a change in the vibe” at Advanced Aquadyne Logistics.

“I’ve been at AAL for must be 11-plus years now,” said Plantagenet, “and we’re like family: cupcake parties, book groups, the occasional kidney donation. But family can also let you down, like when I didn’t stack those binder clip boxes evenly on my desk. I’ll own that. But should they have gone straight to the cat-o’-nine tails instead of, say, a verbal warning first? You’d have to ask them.” Wincing in obvious agony, Plantagenet nonetheless continued chipperly, “Still, can’t wait to see everyone at the Fun In The Sun company picnic. I’ll just need to cover up. My welts are still healing.”

As she brandished her fearsome whip nicknamed “The Motivator,” latex bodysuit-clad Senior Manager of Personnel and Alternative Incentivization Catherine Wheele confirmed the office culture modifications. Pausing momentarily to flash a smile from her surgically sharpened cuspids, Wheele, a/k/a “Mistress Thrash,” explained: “AAL has implemented a new paradigm in team appraisal protocols to align with the enterprise-wide separation of The Unworthy from The Select.” Gesturing to the firm’s lobby, she continued, “As such, a hand-crafted medieval rack inspired by ‘The Duke of Exeter’s daughter’ in the Tower of London has replaced our foosball table. Additionally, morale-boosting thumbscrews will be available for checkout from Brenda at reception.” Added Plantagenet’s scarlet-hooded manager, Assistant Director of Data Analysis Melvin Steinberg (a/k/a “Master Lick”), “If my direct reports can’t take constructive corporal punishment, how can we expect to hit our KPI’s and become top 10 in the fluid pressure measurement device consultancy space?”

A group of Plantagenet’s fellow data analysts nodded vigorously in agreement with their supervisor, then returned to their cubicles. Their mute nodding was later explained as a result of their tongues being torn out during a recent team-building retreat at the local SnugNight Inn & Suites & Dungeon.

CONEWANGO, NY - The Cattaraugus County Matrimonial Center of the New York State Supreme Court has ruled in favor of Office Wife Evelyn Au Poivre in her irreconcilable differences filing against her male counterpart, Heracles Sinjin-Smyth.

Cannon-balling Scrooge McDuck-like into the above-ground pool filled with the just-cashed settlement check from their just-bankrupted employer, Thetatron Integrated Logistics, Au Proivre revealed, “Heracles and I reached a point where there was nothing left. I mean, other than the 47 mill.”

Sinjin-Smyth reflected, “Yes, things did change. And that’s on me. Look, Evelyn was a spouse every desk jockey dreams of. She’d back me up when I’d say Q2 receivables wouldn’t cover expenditures. Or shoot me a raised eyebrow when Rhonda used ‘there’ instead of “their” in a deck. And we’d always, always talk about the latest cringey thing Gene from Purchasing said at the 11 AM stand-up.” Absent-mindedly peeling the label from an O’Doul’s he was nursing, Sinjin-Smyth wistfully recalled, “Yeah, Evelyn and I were committed life partners from 9-to-5 Tuesdays through Thursdays.”

As she clumsily attempted a backstroke in her bales of cash, Au Poivre shared, “I still don’t know what happened. I mean, during our honeymoon period, we’d pop down to Consigliere’s Coffees & Scones. Shoot the breeze about our workload, the new parking cards, if we’d return to office all five days. You know, the usual components of a strong Office Marriage.”

A review of Au Poivre’s deposition revealed where the couple’s paths may have diverged: “About three months ago, I detected a change. Heracles emailed ‘On a deadline for Mitch and Murray’ when I asked if he was going to the Arbor Day Potluck. Then, it was the ‘Watching my weight, so no more scones for me’ text. Excuse after excuse. From a guy who couldn’t wait to get out of his cubicle.”

Per the deposition transcript, she reached for a box of tissues and continued, “The last time we grabbed a meal, he just scrolled in silence on his Samsung Galaxy S25 … why do I even know his cell phone’s model number? … Anyway, not a peep from him. And this was after Gene from Purchasing blurted out ‘Let the girls in PR handle that.’ ‘The girls’?! To the female SVP of MarCom! I mean, if we couldn’t get a good long lunch out of that… I’m, I’m sorry …” Au Poivre’s attorney then asked for a 15-minute break “so his client could gather herself.”

In a follow-up several weeks after his initial interview, Sinjin-Smyth emailed, “People grow apart. It’s really no one’s fault. I wish Evelyn all the best.” Added Tallulah Sinjin-Smyth, his real-life wife, “Truth be told, I was glad he had a work pal. And,” she chuckled, “even more glad that he wasn’t shtupping her.”

Asked for further comment, Mr. Sinjin-Smyth directed all future inquiries to his assistant, Candi Von Thong, who he is shtupping.

How ya doin’?

It’s Daylight Saving Time.

Ol’ Mister Spring Ahead. Circadian Rhythm’s Sauron. Notorious DST!

Back again like clockwork. (BOOM! Pun intended. You’re welcome.)

I gotta say, I’m disappointed in all a youse.

Every year with the bellyaching: “I miss my extra hour of sleep! Waaaaa!”

Boo-friggin’-hoo. I’ll give ya something to cry about. Like this, whiners: You’ll make up your precious Z’s that first week you’re dead.

Oh? Wait? What’s that?

The dirt nap puts things in perspective, don’t it? I thought so. You’re welcome.

Just accept me along with death, taxes, and more Final Destination sequels. Not really “final,” Hollywood. Just sayin’.

And Hawaii and most of Arizona? Youse can go your own way. I respect your stones.

Another thing: Lay off the farmers. DST ain’t on them. They’re hard-working Americans who make them clean vegan yuzu plant-based Benedict matcha protein bowls of yours possible.

If you got beef (or soyrizo, whatever the hell that is), it’s with me.

But like a wise guy once said, “Frankie, my dear, who gives a damn.”

Enjoy the sunshine, kids.

See ya March 14, 2027.

PACOIMA, CA - Noted TechnoShaman Cameron “Cam” Zyloprim has shared his eagerly awaited prediction for 2026:

From his newly opened headquarters in the rear booth of Pacoima’s own Lame Coffee Pun Café, Zyloprim continued, “As we enter the decade’s second half, AI will make ARTIFICIAL stuff that’s really not real and INTELLIGENT stuff that’s really smart.” Pausing for effect, he sagely intoned, “Artificial AND intelligent,” then mimed dropping an imaginary microphone.

As members of his “CAM DO Army” snapped their fingers in approval, they murmured about how “like, deep” the CyberSeer’s mind was, adding “this is so worth his $15,000 initiation fee.” Running fingers through his gel-heightened hair, Zyloprim basked in his acolytes’ reverence as he adjusted his wide-framed designer spectacles that, he asserted, “make me look like a total brainiac.”

The moment of wonder and awe was cut short, however, as the group was sternly “shushed” by the weekly gathering of Pacoima’s “Council of Old Fogeys, Duffers, and Cranks” in the adjoining booth. Cradling his coffee regular, Council Treasurer “Stormin’ Norman” Claymore muttered, “We sure as Shinola didn’t need no AI to take Utah Beach on June 6, you snowflakes.” CAM DO Army members used their iPhones to confirm that Utah Beach was, contrary to their initial belief, not a new nightclub.

Zyloprim expanded on his annual pronouncement: “When you think AI, you need to think, ‘What would AI think?’ Think about it.” Overcome with amazement, a visiting correspondent from McKinsey’s Journal Of Trending Trends fainted but was caught mid-swoon by a production assistant from CNBC’s live coverage camera crew. The rest of the eFuturist’s lengthy 2026 forecast referenced “large language models,” “machine learning,” “natural language processing” and, for some reason, “sous vide.”

As Zyloprim closed out his tab with an unimpressed barista, he made sure to tease his upcoming volume which he promises will “reimagine the very foundations of market capitalism”: a self-published pamphlet entitled “Buy Low. Sell High.”

Citing “unprecedented global realignment of entertainment vulnerability vectors in the theatrical, direct-to-consumer, and amusement park fields of engagement,” dominant American weapons manufacturer Kraven Pacification Industries (KPI) today unveiled its $125 billion unsolicited takeover bid for media conglomerate Megalith/Amalgamated Sight&Sound (M/ASS).

Formed in 1913 as “Renowned Entertainment Players Moving Picture Corporation, Ltd.,” the Hollywood film/television/news/cable/streaming/theme park/video game/cruise/online gambling and sports book enterprise will be absorbed into Kraven’s vaunted KillLogical Command & Control Systems division.

Significant cost savings are expected as Kraven plans to “terminate inefficiencies and execute redundancies as it deploys extreme reductions in force” across M/ASS, which will relocate to KillLogical’s Alabama headquarters. Studio insiders have already raised significant concerns about the lack of organic matcha options in the greater Tuscaloosa area.

The landmark acquisition is the brainchild of Kraven’s longtime CEO, Rear Admiral (Ret.) Chester “Mad Dog” Manticore. In a press briefing from his executive suite bunker 2,300 feet below KPI’s Sierra Mountain headquarters, Manticore hailed the deal as “necessary to guarantee American content exceptionalism for the 21st century in the face of massive audiovisual threats from the Russkies and Chairman Mao.” When it was pointed out that Chinese Communist Party leader Mao Zedong has been dead for five decades, the decorated naval officer smirked, “Sure he has,” then tucked chewing tobacco deep into his jawline and noted how he’s “a big, big fan of those ‘Captain Chimp of the Coast Guard’ pictures the studio used to make. We gotta get them back in the pipeline.” Barring an outbreak of further hostilities in Eastern Europe, the Middle East, or the Golden Globes red carpet, the complex deal is expected to close within 18 months. Highlights will include:

• The 24 hour M/ASS News Network will rebrand to “American Eagle Booyah!”

• The beloved “Enchantress of the Oceans” cruise and entertainment ship will receive a submarine escort group capable of deploying tactical ballistic nuclear missiles that can level 85% of Eurasia.

• AwesomeLand theme park will add the “Sergeant Stupendous’ Razor Wire Live Fire Obstacle Course” attraction, complete with fan-favorite character Ollie the Otter’s “Magical Medic and Transfusion Tent.”

• Under-performing cable channels including “Ferrets Unlimited,” “She Murdered Everyone,” and “She Murdered Everyone: The Aftershow” will be replaced with round-the-clock feeds from House Armed Services Committee hearings.

• Executive salaries in film, TV and streaming will inflate 27-fold to align with current defense contractor price gouging policy.

Rank-and-file M/ASS workers were significantly less sanguine. Said M/ASS Television Senior Manager of IT, Clementine Pamplemousse, “In the past eight years, we’ve been owned by a wireless network, a grocery store heir, a cosmetics holding company, and three Stanford bros whose app was basically ‘Uber for porn.’ Every person outside the studio gates is calling this ‘the end of a legendary studio.’ We call it Wednesday.”